Articles

Coping with Serious Illness or Disability

Being faced with a serious illness or disability requires dealing with a huge loss, which can often feel as painful as the loss of a loved one. People often tell me that they feel as though their body has betrayed them. They may face a loss of their image of themselves as a healthy person. They may need time to grieve the things that they can no longer do, or do as well – physical skills and abilities, cognitive or emotional changes. Some people may have difficulty with a changed appearance and body image.

People need time to go through the steps of grieving these losses and changes. They need to recover from the shock of the change, express their emotions – their sadness and anger, frustration and fear. They need to find a way to come to accept the reality of what has happened to them, to accept that they may never return to the life they had before the illness or disability. I have talked with people about this phase as being a time to recognize and accept a “new normal”. Even if people recover from their condition and return to being able to function as before, often people have been so changed by their experience that they still find themselves dealing with a “new normal”. They cannot go back to their old ways of thinking as they have been permanently changed by their difficult experience. They take much less for granted. As people dealing with their illness or disability are able to accept their “new normal” less of their energy is spent thinking about the past and they begin to have more energy to invest in exploring their new identity and seeking out the best ways to function given their limitations. And finally, eventually, they may find some of their pleasure in life returning and feel more at peace with their situation.

But this is not a smooth or easy process. It is not unusual for people to feel hopeful one day, and feel quite discouraged, even despairing the next. It is important for people to give themselves time to grieve and adjust. Finding someone to talk to who you feel really understands can be extremely important. It is not clear why, but often just feeling really heard and understood can somehow give us renewed strength. Being able to connect with another person who cares about your feelings and really “gets” how you feel helps you to release some of your sadness and find that you are more resilient than you thought. Some people may find family members and friends are able to provide the support they need. Others may find that it is easier to talk with a therapist. Many people have said that they found talking with me most helpful. They could feel free to express all their feelings without needing to worry about their effect on me, as they might worry if I were a friend or relative. As a therapist, I can also provide people with objectivity and help them to understand that their feelings are appropriate despite others’ impatience and urging them to move on. Some people may find a support group with others in similar circumstances very helpful. There they can be pretty sure that others will understand, and they may get good suggestions from others on how to cope.

Coping with any kind of serious illness or disability is not easy. What is most important is to be patient with yourself, find support and give yourself adequate time to adjust.

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