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Articles
 I
believe that all couples start their relationships with the best
of intentions. But well functioning relationships require a lot
of maintenance, just like our houses and our cars. Often couples
don’t understand this. Even when they realize that their
relationship will take some effort on their part, they don’t
know what to do to keep their relationship strong and happy. I
see my work with couples as an opportunity to help them work through
problems that have developed, while helping them learn better ways
to keep their relationship strong. The following is some of the
information that I give to couples as we begin our work together.
The goal of our work together is to
reestablish a partnership that is:
- Safe and secure for each of you and meets your needs for
closeness and love.
- One in which you feel trust in each other
so that you can allow yourself to be known completely with
all your strengths and weaknesses.
A good partnership is one that encourages you to be yourself.
CHARACTERISTICS OF GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIPS – what we
are working toward:
- A good solid friendship – partners really know each
other (know likes and dislikes; favorite color, food, friend;
history; fears; sadness, joys) and keep updating this knowledge.
- Partners
express fondness and admiration often (they don’t
just think it but say it).
- Partners are attentive and responsive
to each others’ communications,
both verbal and nonverbal.
- Partners are realistic about the relationship
and recognize that a good relationship does not mean perfection.
They understand that
conflict is inevitable in ANY relationship, and that most couples,
including very happy ones, have on-going conflicts that are
never resolved; couples learn to agree to disagree.
- When conflicts occur,
partners are able to express how they feel and what they like
rather than attacking (pointing out the other’s
character flaws) or withdrawing (refusing to interact).
BEHAVIORS/ATTITUDES MOST DAMAGING TO RELATIONSHIPS – Anything
that indicates a lack of respect for your partner, for example:
- Frequent criticism, especially when it is directed
at the person rather than their behavior or action.
- Being defensive and refusing to accept blame when warranted
is a good way to make your partner feel unheard and devalued
- Making fun of or acting contemptuous of your partner
- Not responding to your partner, ignoring or shutting
them out.
CHANGING A NEGATIVE INTERACTION CYCLE
The goal here is to begin to see your partner more clearly, to
better understand their point of view. So when discussing an
issue with your partner that causes conflict, try to think about
the following:
• How can you better understand your partner’s position
and why they hold it? What in their history or experience has
led them to think and feel as they do?
Questions that you could ask your partner:
What are your thoughts and beliefs
about this problem? (For example
if you have conflict around money, what do each of you believe
about money, how much you need, what you should spend it on, etc.)
What feelings come up for you about
it? (What do you feel
about money, are you worried you won’t have enough, don’t
really care about it?)
What do you want? What do you need? (What would you want us as
a couple to do to best manage our money? What do you need to feel
good about how we do our finances?)
What’s most important about this for you? (Is your
most important concern about security? Safety? Responsibility?
Trust?)
•
Can you and your partner express the unspoken feelings and beliefs
about the issue and your fears of criticism and your fear that
your needs won’t be respected and met? If not, what is
needed to make that possible?
• Once we understand each partner’s feelings and
beliefs about this issue, does that allow us to define the problem
in a
new way?
• Does understanding better what we each are thinking
and feeling allow us to change how we discuss the problem so
we can
be more open and responsive to each other?
• Can we work together to find a solution or a compromise?
Asking each other these questions is a good way to understand
conflicts in a new way and hopefully develop more understanding
in each partner of the others’ concerns. Then it may be possible
to shift the discussion so that rather than trying to force the
other to change, efforts can be focused on trying to find a middle
way that meets the needs of both partners to some extent. I enjoy
going through this process with couples and seeing them become
excited about finding a new way to deal with old conflicts. This
process often leads couples to experience a new sense of partnership
and a greater sense of affection and closeness.
It’s exciting to work
with couples in relatively new relationships. At this stage, couples
are naturally doing many of the right things
to keep their relationship strong. They are very interested in
each other and give each other lots of time and attention. They
approach conflicts with the intention of working them out and are
open to compromise. They see each others strengths and say so.
My work with these couples is to point out what they are doing
well, and encourage them to continue these patterns even as the
newness of the relationship wears off and as new demands on their
time and energy make it more challenging to make time for each
other. We discuss what makes a relationship strong, their goals
for their relationship and some of the biggest challenges to their
goals (the strains of children, job stress, etc). Then we discuss
a plan for how they can succeed despite the daunting divorce statistics.
It is sometimes helpful to discuss other couples they have known,
parents, friends, and what they like or dislike in other relationships
they have seen. Couples are welcome to return for maintenance “tune-ups” as
necessary.
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